Here is what the still, small voice said to me…
And then came another voice… “Who do you think you are? What makes you think you can go big?”
And I knew in that moment I could crumble or I could stand firm in my Presence. And I was scared. And I am scared. Big is BIG. It’s humongous. It’s WAY bigger than your average big. The alternative seems so small. Smaller than small, tiny. Almost invisible.
I don’t want to be invisible.
You? What is the fun in being so tucked away inside yourself that you lose sight of any measurement of you between big and small? What is the point of having a life if not to have fun with it? Small… did somebody say small? You’re not small.
You may be in hiding but you’re not small. You never were.
So, who do I think I am and what makes me think I can go big? Because I went small for long enough and realized that I outgrew that vision of myself. I realized that going small is ‘so yesterday’. But most of all I realized that the vision of myself that I hold in my head and in my heart is what drives me and won’t let me play small anymore. Times up. Busted.
Gulp. Do you think it’s easy for me to write this blog and put myself out here? It’s not. And it’s not been easy for me to look at my shadow, to go looking for the little girl in me that felt neglected and is enraged. Or to look for helpers to guide me that are worthy of my questions. It’s not been easy for me to dig deep into my wounds…. So that I can heal…. So that I can help you heal.
And I am not alone. You are not alone. We are many. We are crying for the softness that leaves us feeling subtle within ourselves. For many, we were not born hard; we learned it as a way of survival. We hid from the voices, or at least we tried to. And then there were the voices we could never hide from, no matter how hard we tried. The ones inside our heads with mixed messages that tricked us – one minute we were good enough and the next minute we weren’t. Survival. One day we fit in and the next day we didn’t. Confusion. One day we think ‘I’ve got this’ and the next day we think ‘does anybody get me?’ Yes. Somebody gets you. I know it’s not easy, but dig… just keep digging… until you get to the gold. You are in there. And guess what? You’re BIG.
How do I know?
Because the small, still voice told me so.