She said I was Weathered by Love

Screen Shot 2017-07-12 at 3.10.16 PMAnd it struck me, she’s right. I look in the mirror and yes; there are lines on my face. Is that what she meant? Weathered by love. Weathered by love for life maybe? Yes, absolutely. Taking risk, saying yes to crazy ideas, living life on the edge, changing my mind in a moment, pissing people off because I didn’t do it their way may have all played a role in the weathering of me. But weathered by love… sounds so romantic… I’ll take it.

I’ve been treasured by love, applauded with love, denied love, desperate for love, in love and loving… but just the sound of ‘weathered by love’ got my attention. Now instead of seeing a weathered face, I see a face that’s weathered by love.   I can live with that.

Or maybe weathered by love is all about my weathered soul. I’ve been dragged, pushed, pulled and shoved into the light just for the sake of reminding me who I am. Who we are. But who am I kidding? I wasn’t pushed every time… sometimes I jumped. I threw myself into the light, because I knew the darkness already, so well. Don’t we all? Isn’t that the point? Can we find harmony in the good and the bad, even in ourselves? Can we let our weathered hearts heal? Can we forgive our selves for all the shameful things we did while exploring the darkness?   I can. I mean, what the fuck? Why shouldn’t I? Why shouldn’t you? I did the best I could at the time.   And that is what got me to here… weathered by love.

Posted in Love, Personal Development, self care, Self Help, Self Love, Self-Awareness, Transformation | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Here is what the still, small voice said to me…

listen-voice

Here is what the still, small voice said to me…

“Go Big”

And then came another voice… “Who do you think you are? What makes you think you can go big?”

And I knew in that moment I could crumble or I could stand firm in my Presence. And I was scared. And I am scared. Big is BIG. It’s humongous. It’s WAY bigger than your average big. The alternative seems so small. Smaller than small, tiny. Almost invisible.

Invisible.

I don’t want to be invisible.

You? What is the fun in being so tucked away inside yourself that you lose sight of any measurement of you between big and small? What is the point of having a life if not to have fun with it?   Small… did somebody say small? You’re not small.

You may be in hiding but you’re not small. You never were.

So, who do I think I am and what makes me think I can go big? Because I went small for long enough and realized that I outgrew that vision of myself. I realized that going small is ‘so yesterday’.   But most of all I realized that the vision of myself that I hold in my head and in my heart is what drives me and won’t let me play small anymore. Times up. Busted.

Gulp. Do you think it’s easy for me to write this blog and put myself out here? It’s not.   And it’s not been easy for me to look at my shadow, to go looking for the little girl in me that felt neglected and is enraged. Or to look for helpers to guide me that are worthy of my questions.   It’s not been easy for me to dig deep into my wounds…. So that I can heal…. So that I can help you heal.

And I am not alone. You are not alone. We are many. We are crying for the softness that leaves us feeling subtle within ourselves. For many, we were not born hard; we learned it as a way of survival. We hid from the voices, or at least we tried to. And then there were the voices we could never hide from, no matter how hard we tried. The ones inside our heads with mixed messages that tricked us – one minute we were good enough and the next minute we weren’t. Survival. One day we fit in and the next day we didn’t. Confusion. One day we think ‘I’ve got this’ and the next day we think ‘does anybody get me?’  Yes. Somebody gets you. I know it’s not easy, but dig… just keep digging… until you get to the gold. You are in there. And guess what? You’re BIG.

How do I know?

Because the small, still voice told me so.

Posted in communication, Connection, Go Big, Help, Listening, Love, Personal Development, self care, Self Help, Self-Awareness, Transformation | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

It’s a Fine Line…

fine line image love_hate

It’s a fine line. Watch out. Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water and BOOM… Life throws you into a spin and you’re reminded that there’s more work to do… this thing called balance is temporary. Here you are skipping along, dancing like a fool balanced on the edge and you are reminded that you are human. A human fool. With all the complexities of our conditioning, our culture, our families treasured opinions passed down through the ages and yes we walk the line, looking for a place to settle with trust, a place to call our own – a place to call home.

It’s a fine line.   True connection or the lack of it – Honest communication or talking to talk – Listening with ears instead of hearts.   Let’s be honest – Home is not about the side of the bed that calls you to it, it’s not the smell of spices in your kitchen, or the dogs barking in the yard – in fact there’s nothing out here that speaks so loudly to being home than the comfort in your heart that comes from belonging.

I paved the way for you, I set the stage and I am one step closer to finding my way back to center. Because when I am rocked, when I am pushed to the edge of the line, I choose me.   I choose acceptance. I choose understanding. I choose to have a voice and use it to call you on the rules of the game and what it takes to win. Just win. I choose when to back away and when to move forward. I choose whether or not to share my precious self with you…. It’s a fine line.

And you… choose to share your self.   You choose. You share your love and at the same time your shadow, because it is not easy to suppress the parts of you that cry for tenderness and are afraid of the dark.

I am on your side. I know this line. I’ve been walking it my whole life.

That’s how I found my way home.

One step at a time

On the right side

Of a very fine line.

Are you coming?

Posted in Belonging, communication, Connection, Help, Intuition, Personal Development, self care, Self Help, Self-Awareness, Transformation | Leave a comment